Infamously No One

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Relentlessness

Here's the problem. For 9 months I have been under constant supervision. I have energetically been "peed around" like a tree outside a Vet's office.
You have probably read the other blog by now, and at some point, when I have the energy I will respond in kind. However, you cannot put a bandaid on a dead horse. Well, you can, but that's just dumb.
These last two weeks have been a relentless onslaught of abuse. Phone calls starting at 6:54 am and ending at about 8:30. They expect me to snap my fingers, as a handicapped person (legally defined), and have everything done when and where they want it. I am FUCKING EXHAUSTED. I have been struggling to keep my peace of mind, but I need a SINGLE FUCKING DAY OF NO CONTACT WITH CAT OR HER FAMILY. NONE. NOTHING. No calls, no texts, nothing. I have begged, pleaded, bargained, been nice, been picked apart like a chicken after church on Sunday.

DON'T FUCKING TAKE MY INVENTORY, TAKE YOUR FUCKING OWN

Don't tell me about my character flaws, look at your fucking own. I am painfully aware of mine, and the one that needs to get fixed is that I know, that anyone who is attracted to me MUST be batshit crazy. I am fruitcake flypaper. It is something IN ME that attracts that. I know. I am officially sick of it.
I cannot handle another one. It's fittin' to git fixed.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Damn. Who gets to say "Good Riddance?"

I am just sick to fuck of people telling me that everything wrong in their world is somehow connected to me. I can't seem to get a fucking break. I, daily, go out of my way to make someone's day better, and at the end of it, anything that is wrong is volleyed into my court.
People prefer to lie to themselves than face the truth.
Here's the truth. I give entirely too much of a shit about other people; not so much what they think 'of me'. I care about what happens to them. Every time I do, some ignorant shit has to happen. I am becoming disappointed in the human race as a whole.
So where is the lesson in being Fruitcake Flypaper? I don't have the slightest clue, but I am going to find the hell out.
There is nothing worse than someone telling you "Good Riddance." There is also nothing worse than being scolded for not being able to read someone's mind. There is little worse than walking around feeling like a giant pain in someone's ass. I think that is why I have a new apartment, a good view, and some recent dreams are coming to me out of the blue, according to the situation I find myself in now. I am apparently in the right place at the right time.
I don't know that I want to be with someone who is as selfish as this last one. I'm moving... and there was no help when I moved in, and no help when I moved out. She wants to tell me that I am the one not doing enough. There was some outside input tonight that made some sense, but there was also a switch flipped. It looked like a switch flipped in her, but I think it was a switch flipped in me. I don't want to be on someone else's emotional roller coaster. I want to feel wanted, just like everyone else. I don't want to be someone's little secret. I do want to be in a mutually understanding relationship. I am good. I have emotionally be removed from the last one for about 6 months. I want to be in a relationship that is even a semblance of peaceful. I mean a whole day of peaceful. No drama. No anger, no being shitty to one another for an reason. Stuff happens, but jesus, what I have seen in the last 10 months, I think the world is coming to an end, it is because the majority of the population feels entitled in some way, to project their negative self-thoughts off onto another. We're all just going to implode from the collective suck.
I am tired. NO. Fuck THAT. I am exhausted. Yet, but trying to do the "right thing" I am spending all of my time fucking around with someone who said G-R, and someone who is beginning to think it.
I'm still trying to work on why I keep attracting people with increasing levels of needs.
I have been running around with my ass in my hands for two fucking weeks, getting beaten down on a regular basis throughout the day, and at the end of it, everyone says Fuck YOU.
One of my friends has been single for 10 years. I am beginning to think that that is the best way to go. The only shit you get in a day is your own. Yep. <beer cracking> Yep.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Right on the edge of sending a FUCK YOU

I had a conversation today with someone who allegedly cared about me. A few of you know what happened this weekend. This person basically disappeared off the radar, was a little shady about it all, and honestly, I feel that I was being somehow held personally responsible for the drama that was laid in my lap.
I am mad as hell. Of course I said "If you run it won't hurt my feelings," but the longer I sit with it, the angrier I get. No, you don't know me well, but damn. Judge me because of the actions of someone else? Seriously? FUCK YOU!
I want a Viking. I will wait. In fact, I will sit by the river and wait. I will ready my mind and my body for the process.
Don't damn be shady with me, and expect a positive response. So here's how to deal with me:

1) Yield
2) Don't. If you have a single question about an action, don't.
3) Be fucking honest.
4) Have a little integrity in your dealings with me.
5) I have bad days. If I were perfect, I damn sure wouldn't be here.
6) If you're broken your damn self, show others a little fucking kindness.
7) Don't "act" like you give a shit.
8) If you run when I actually summon to courage to ask for something, don't count yourself ever to be on the 'in' of my life.
9) I will occasionally make stupid decisions. If you see it happening tell me as though I was walking around a ritzy party with broccoli in my teeth.
10) Let me ride my own shit. I am good at turning a bad day good quick.
11) Involve me, otherwise I don't know to care.
12) Leave your damn drama llama at home.
13) Don't ask me to take a risk on you, and then leave me hanging. You've cried wolf, and I will pay no further attention.

Rude. Sacurrittty?

Friday, May 20, 2011

Someone like you

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/someone-like-you-lyrics-adele.html ]

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.
Adele

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I hate that quick reply. Is this how you really feel about me? If it is, I don't want you to do another fucking thing for me. Ever. If I struggle, I will struggle on my own. I will pay you the full rent, since you failed to mention that I am now paying the doubled phone bill, and you have pretty much held me responsible for all the animal care, and what little cleaning is done in the house except when something stinks or I am sleeping while you are in a manic rage. . When I get back, I will clean the whole mother fucker from top to bottom, and I will not be answering texts all fucking day so that I can actually get things done. After that, you are responsible for your laundry, the feeding and care of your animals, and the dishes you dirty, and half of the rest of the house. If I am paying half the rent+ your phone. I will not be doing all the cleaning and errand running. You have treated me like something you needed to manage, to keep busy, and as your little secretary doing shit for you all the time. No wonder you kept asking me if I was upset about your blog. Don't worry about taking "care" of me any more, go find yourself someone to fuck when you want, and do everything when you want, and to control, because that will never be me. If you want me to move, then I will move. I loved you, and you couldn't let up and allow me to love you my way, you have demanded that I love you YOUR way. I have the NEED to be respected as human, and as an adult, neither of which you give me. I will begin paying you back next month for the tires and the oil change, and every FUCKING cent of your inheritance that has been spent on me, maybe you SHOULD ask someone to go on your trip with you since you're holding that against me too. I didn't mean to advise you to not sit with the people getting out of prison.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Beati i casari, perché erediteranno la terra.

I don’t know what this recent roller coaster is about, however, weird dreams about motorcycles and Goliath frogs, and turning around on a trip because of a storm is fairly evident. Well, duh.
There is a frog in my throat, I have been wanting, but unable physically, to ride my motorcycle, and yes, there is a storm brewing. Much like the evolution of Stilton Cheese, this contains much debate and conjecture.
There is so much on my mind, and no place to put it. I want to allow a flow here, but it is predominately about someone else, and I just can't do that at the moment. I wanted this blog to be more journal-like, and now, that someone is being a little creepy-stalky, I refuse to open the tin and allow a mozzarella to be born when I am waiting on an asiago.
I haven't been wanting to sleep at night. That seems to be the time when I can actually focus on the things that are important to me. I can put on a movie without argument. I don't have to worry about the phone ringing, or the glass-like ting of a text coming through. Everyone with good sense or in Asia is asleep. There is nothing going on on Facebook so I don't get distracted. This is my normal. For some, being up half the night is a preposterous thought. I thrive on it. My best, and favorite, sleeping hours are between 0700 and 1200, and again between 1500 and 1800. I am awake and functional the rest of the time. Of late, I have been using sleep to escape. I am in a funk of magnificent proportions, don't like the day to day of my life, and spend entirely too much time alone, and rarely just "shoot the shit' with anyone. Not that that is a bad thing, but my choices of things to do are somewhat limited. So I sit here, watching entirely too much TV, and I stew in a Castelo Blanco of unfathomable goat-yness. Acrid, musty, and vastly less favorable than a Santarem, which is best served fresh.